I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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