every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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