Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
