Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
