Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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