Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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