i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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