I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My pussy is not your playground.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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