They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
