The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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