If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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