Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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