I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
