apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
