I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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