On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
