Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
