While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
