96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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