How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just pee around me
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
