I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
