i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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