id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
