we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
