theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
