apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
