I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
