Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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