i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
