made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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