Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
