Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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