I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
