things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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