I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
