I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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