the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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