OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
