you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
