Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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