He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
