Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
