friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
