She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
