Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it glows. i had to have it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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