Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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