Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
