I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
