saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
