I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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