So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
